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4/27/2023 0 Comments

Talking Deeply Without the Weight: Tips for Lightening Up Heavy Conversations

Love, money, sex, rest, health - how do you create a satisfying conversation about deep subjects? When people seek closeness, they often find that “sharing” can quickly deteriorate into complaining or become too intellectual (“and this book I read about…). If you want to feel intimate with somebody without the conversation revolving around past disappointments and traumas (which can sometimes be emotionally depleting and carry a social cost), there are enjoyable, light-hearted, and non-threatening ways to engage in deeper subjects in a conversation.
1) Focus on what you’d like to have. Maybe you're between jobs right now - what do you imagine it would be like when you find a great job? Would you travel, work from home in your bunny slippers, enjoy an unhurried lunch with your coworkers at the picnic table outside, or be submerged in the buzzing energy of a young, fast-growing company? What did you enjoy about your previous jobs that you would love to recreate? As you talk about it, your friends and family will still know you're looking for work, so you can feel connected and emotionally supported without the conversation devolving into a brainstorming and advice-giving session.
2) Focus on the experience rather than your thoughts about the experience. My mom’s memory has become somewhat shaky lately, and I want to talk about it when I'm with close friends, but I really like to avoid “What can be done about it” or “We are all going to lose our minds” type of discussion. So, I talked about having tea with mom and how strange it felt that she couldn't remember a recipe she’d been making since I was a kid. Someone asked, what was the recipe? - and the conversation took on a sweetly nostalgic, soulful tone - we talked about our parents, family recipes, and meals we’ve eaten together. I felt connected, calm, and refreshed afterward and saved the discussion of mom’s options to our upcoming follow-up with her neurologist.
3) Be loving to yourself and others when you bring out a deep topic - consider having an intention of enjoyable, connected sharing, maybe even lightheartedness. Maybe you want to talk about a meditation retreat you’ve done - try to bypass the trap of telling everyone how to meditate while they feel guilty or defensive because, supposedly, they “should”. Instead, mention something relatable - perhaps how your mind kept being drawn to thoughts of food or to-do lists. Or ask your friends what they do that makes them feel calm - that way, everybody can feel included.
​Deep relationships don't have to be primarily built around shared pain. Let yourself participate in each other’s lives in a way that feels substantial but not necessarily intense. There are times for intensity - if you've just received a difficult diagnosis or your partner has been offered a job in Japan - by all means, enlist supportive friends in helping you sort out your emotional responses. But to have a community that helps you flow with the deep ebbs and flows of life, you may want to use a lighter touch to get to know each other deeply.
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4/24/2023 0 Comments

How to Get Un-Lonely

The neurological basis for loneliness is the threat response system. Although we are not surrounded by as many physical threats as we were thousands of years ago (if you are reading this, chances are, you have food, shelter, and are not about to be eaten by a predator), social threats abound. Someone disliking you, even briefly, might mean losing your job, your status, or your good reputation (ask any writer, and they will tell you that a one-star review on Amazon makes you feel pretty darn lonely). 
The bad news is that the threat response system is jumpy. It’s easily activated, and the neurochemicals of distress can stay in your system for a while. However, here is the good news: the brain also has an affiliative system, which acts in counterbalance to the social threat system. 
The affiliative system is involved in social bonding and positive social interactions, such as feelings of warmth and connection towards others. The affiliative system is your neurological home for a sense of belonging. You can build it up by doing self-practices, such as gratitude and compassion - or interpersonally, like talking to a therapist. One of the fastest ways to build up your sense of belonging is to spend time with supportive communities. A group that encourages deep sharing, empathy, and mutual appreciation doesn’t just make you feel like you belong in the moment - it expands your CAPACITY for belonging, which means that the next time you are in a group of well-meaning people, your affiliative system is more likely to get and stay activated. 
If you want to give your affiliative system a gentle workout, come join us for our Co-Creating Our Hearts' Desires group on the second Tuesday of each month. We use brain- and energy-based techniques to quiet our threat response systems and activate our affiliative systems. Best of all, we engage a practice to heal our collective body, tuning in to the deep sense of belonging that’s always present right under the surface of loneliness. Come and belong with us! I look forward to seeing you there!

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3/15/2023 7 Comments

Body Speaks Pleasure - Get Fluent!

Wisdom of the body expresses itself in two ways. Disagreeable sensation, such as lack of energy, numbness, or discomfort is a NO. Enjoyable sensation, such as aliveness, relaxation or pleasure is a YES. 
As a species, we are better at responding to NOs than YESs. Pain gets our attention much faster than pleasure - and most of us have more or less reliable ways of dealing with it. Pleasure, on the other hand, often remains an untended, under-nourished, under-appreciated stepchild, only paid attention to when she is dressed in a glittering ball gown in the middle of a dance floor. 
If we only pay attention to the extravagant experiences of pleasure (a gourmet meal, a tropical vacation, or a mind-blowing night with a new lover), the body can get discouraged. If it has no chance of attracting your attention with small-scale pleasures (little YESs), it has to say more NOs. If we consistently ignore the breadcrumbs of pleasurable sensation (running your hand through your child’s silky hair, friendly smile from a coworker, soft cradling of a comfortable shoe) and only follow the trail of discomfort, the body is likely to create more discomfort. Like most mammals, the body would rather have negative attention than none at all.
I am not suggesting that we ignore the signals of pain or danger. By all means, adjust the chair and take yourself to a chiropractor if you have a backache. Wouldn’t it make sense though to pay at least as much attention when your back is feeling better? Wouldn’t you want the brain to understand the signal of “I want more of this”, not just the signal of “less of this, please”?
How do we then condition the mind to be more pleasure-friendly? These are a few ideas informed by positive neuroplasticity, mindfulness and somatics. 
  1. Slow down your pleasures. It takes 12-20 seconds for the brain to absorb an enjoyable sensation and start assimilating it into the neural structure. If you are going to eat something delicious, mute the commercial, take a breath and let it linger on your tongue. Not only will you get more enjoyment out of the experience, it will sensitize the brain to pleasurable sensation. Which means, the next time you eat something good, you will enjoy it a little more. Sensitizing yourself to pleasure (or any kind of beneficial experience) is perhaps the most important step you can take to train your mindbody to feel better over time. Isn’t it worth 12 seconds of your time?
  2. Refine your pleasure palate. Your brain is a discernment machine. If left on autopilot, it will go: “I want this, but I am experiencing that” all day long. Give it something better to do. Walking outside? Notice three different shades of green. Which one is your favorite? Feel the emotional impact of the color, the way it settles into your body. Maybe the new-leaf green is energizing, the evergreen-green is refreshing, or the algae-on-the-surface-of-the-pond green is soothing to you. Become a connoisseur of bird song, sunset color, or the scent of freshly cut grass. Over time, the brain will start looking for the exquisitely detailed pleasurable sensation, instead of obsessing about your wrinkles or somebody’s mud-splattered license plate. 
  3. Share your pleasures. Enjoying something with somebody else engages your social brain and can create a nova-size neuroplastic burst. Amplify your pleasure from a meal, a walk, or a good book by talking about it with a receptive person. Engaging your sensory and social pleasure neural networks at the same time will give you many times the benefit; it is also a great way to enliven and deepen your relationships.
Supporting your body through paying attention to its YESs in small, consistent ways can nourish your health, harmonize your emotional states and enrich your relationships - while making your ordinary days feel more peaceful, enjoyable and vibrant.

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3/10/2023 5 Comments

Let Them Feed Your Hungry Heart

5 Micro Skills to Help You Find, Absorb and Enjoy Emotional Nourishment

Do you sometimes feel starved for connection and support? What is the most important area of life for you to nourish right now - work, health, creative or spiritual pursuits? What are some of your favorite ways to be supported - empathetic listening, practical help, creating a relaxing distraction? Our needs and preferences change, however, there’s a set of psychological micro-skills you can develop to help you seek out, internalize and enjoy support, regardless of your mood or the situation.
  1. Know when you are being supported. If you didn’t grow up in a deeply supportive environment, your nervous system may not know how to  recognize support, even if the other person has a supportive intention. Scan your current or past relationship, looking for supportive behaviors that you didn’t recognize as such. A common example is when a friend or partner is trying to brainstorm for solutions when all you want is to be listened to. Though they may not have been giving you what you wanted at the time, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge supportive intention. It will make the other person feel appreciated and more willing to modify their supportive style. Look not only for explicit, but for implicit ways that you might’ve been supported - the other person’s positive body language or tone of voice can do as much or more as “talking you through something”.​
  2. Take it in. It can be difficult to slow down enough to be able to receive emotional nourishment, especially when you are stressed. Imagine “breathing it in”, or “eating it”, to make it easier for your brain and nervous system. Watch for “yes, buts” - it is a sure way to exhaust your supporters. “Breathe in” sincere compliments.  As you develop your skill of receiving and internalizing, you will need less of it and it will be more satisfying for people to give it to you. 
  3. Diversify your sources and make supportive behaviors more “digestible”. Ask yourself: even if this person’s supportive style doesn’t fully match my current need or desire, is there something about it I can use? When somebody makes you a meal, you may not like every single item on your plate, but it doesn’t mean that you have to go hungry. Perhaps a friend doesn’t quite know exactly how to support you when you’ve just lost a job or are trying to publish an article - can you still be nourished by some of what they offer? Are you physically or metaphorically turning away from the person who is trying to be helpful? If you teach yourself to use and enjoy a “rainbow diet” of supportive behaviors, it will be easier for you to feel nourished and a lot more fun for your supporters.
  4. Show appreciation.  Even if you are in a committed relationship of some sort (partners, friends, business associates), receive their supportive behavior as a gift freely given (instead of something they owe you). Acknowledge and appreciate your supporter, even if their supportive style didn’t meet your needs a hundred percent. Tell them what they did right, it will make them want to do more of it. However, if you are the type of person who is better at giving than receiving, don’t rush to appreciation. Make sure that you give yourself time to “eat and digest” the emotional nourishment instead of shortcutting to “giving back”. If showing appreciation feels tiring or insincere, experiment and find what feels good - perhaps a nod, a smile, or a simple “thank you” is sufficient.
  5. Make gentle requests as needed. Instead of putting up a wall, criticizing or demanding that you be supported in the right way, try a clear, gentle request. “I would love it if you can listen for a few minutes before we brainstorm, it helps me to hear myself talk about it. Would it be OK with you to just listen?”. Ask for a behavior, not a personality change. For example, your friend may be fiery and gets angry on your behalf. If you find it more frustrating than helpful, perhaps there’s another “support specialty” they have - like sending you loving kindness, helping you research a solution, or going dancing with you. In the meantime, scan your “social landscape” to see if there’s another person who would find it easy to offer the exact kind of support you long for right now.
As you look through this set of micro skills, notice your responses - are there some that you are already good at? Some that you want to develop? Take one that you want to play with this week or this month. Don’t limit yourself to your intimate and family relationships - practice receiving from a coworker, a supermarket clerk, or any well-meaning person. As you expand your ability to seek out, digest and enjoy support, your emotional life will feel increasingly like a wholesome feast.
Want to practice your micro skills? Come to our Delight mE Creation Ecosystem,  where we train ourselves to co-create, play, connect and enjoy giving and receiving support.

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    Elena Khazanova is a holistic facilitator, a psychotherapist and a pleasure coach. She designs and runs trainings and groups where  the  powers of connection, pleasure and play are used to transform inner and outer worlds.

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