Let Them Feed Your Hungry Heart

5 Micro Skills to Help You Find, Absorb and Enjoy Emotional Nourishment

Do you sometimes feel starved for connection and support? What is the most important area of life for you to nourish right now - work, health, creative or spiritual pursuits? What are some of your favorite ways to be supported - empathetic listening, practical help, creating a relaxing distraction? Our needs and preferences change, however, there’s a set of psychological micro-skills you can develop to help you seek out, internalize and enjoy support, regardless of your mood or the situation.

1. Know when you are being supported. If you didn’t grow up in a deeply supportive environment, your nervous system may not know how to  recognize support, even if the other person has a supportive intention. Scan your current or past relationship, looking for supportive behaviors that you didn’t recognize as such. A common example is when a friend or partner is trying to brainstorm for solutions when all you want is to be listened to. Though they may not have been giving you what you wanted at the time, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge supportive intention. It will make the other person feel appreciated and more willing to modify their supportive style. Look not only for explicit, but for implicit ways that you might’ve been supported - the other person’s positive body language or tone of voice can do as much or more as “talking you through something”.​
2. Take it in. It can be difficult to slow down enough to be able to receive emotional nourishment, especially when you are stressed. Imagine “breathing it in”, or “eating it”, to make it easier for your brain and nervous system. Watch for “yes, buts” - it is a sure way to exhaust your supporters. “Breathe in” sincere compliments.  As you develop your skill of receiving and internalizing, you will need less of it and it will be more satisfying for people to give it to you. 
3. Diversify your sources and make supportive behaviors more “digestible”. Ask yourself: even if this person’s supportive style doesn’t fully match my current need or desire, is there something about it I can use? When somebody makes you a meal, you may not like every single item on your plate, but it doesn’t mean that you have to go hungry. Perhaps a friend doesn’t quite know exactly how to support you when you’ve just lost a job or are trying to publish an article - can you still be nourished by some of what they offer? Are you physically or metaphorically turning away from the person who is trying to be helpful? If you teach yourself to use and enjoy a “rainbow diet” of supportive behaviors, it will be easier for you to feel nourished and a lot more fun for your supporters.
4. Show appreciation.  Even if you are in a committed relationship of some sort (partners, friends, business associates), receive their supportive behavior as a gift freely given (instead of something they owe you). Acknowledge and appreciate your supporter, even if their supportive style didn’t meet your needs a hundred percent. Tell them what they did right, it will make them want to do more of it. However, if you are the type of person who is better at giving than receiving, don’t rush to appreciation. Make sure that you give yourself time to “eat and digest” the emotional nourishment instead of shortcutting to “giving back”. If showing appreciation feels tiring or insincere, experiment and find what feels good - perhaps a nod, a smile, or a simple “thank you” is sufficient.
5. Make gentle requests as needed. Instead of putting up a wall, criticizing or demanding that you be supported in the right way, try a clear, gentle request. “I would love it if you can listen for a few minutes before we brainstorm, it helps me to hear myself talk about it. Would it be OK with you to just listen?”. Ask for a behavior, not a personality change. For example, your friend may be fiery and gets angry on your behalf. If you find it more frustrating than helpful, perhaps there’s another “support specialty” they have - like sending you loving kindness, helping you research a solution, or going dancing with you. In the meantime, scan your “social landscape” to see if there’s another person who would find it easy to offer the exact kind of support you long for right now.

As you look through this set of micro skills, notice your responses - are there some that you are already good at? Some that you want to develop? Take one that you want to play with this week or this month. Don’t limit yourself to your intimate and family relationships - practice receiving from a coworker, a supermarket clerk, or any well-meaning person. As you expand your ability to seek out, digest and enjoy support, your emotional life will feel increasingly like a wholesome feast.
Want to practice your micro skills? Come to our Delight mE Creation Ecosystem,  where we train ourselves to co-create, play, connect and enjoy giving and receiving support.