Blog Archives

4/27/2023 1 Comment

Talking Deeply Without the Weight: Tips for Lightening Up Heavy Conversations

Love, money, sex, rest, health - how do you create a satisfying conversation about deep subjects? When people seek closeness, they often find that “sharing” can quickly deteriorate into complaining or become too intellectual (“and this book I read about…). If you want to feel intimate with somebody without the conversation revolving around past disappointments and traumas (which can sometimes be emotionally depleting and carry a social cost), there are enjoyable, light-hearted, and non-threatening ways to engage in deeper subjects in a conversation.
1) Focus on what you’d like to have. Maybe you're between jobs right now - what do you imagine it would be like when you find a great job? Would you travel, work from home in your bunny slippers, enjoy an unhurried lunch with your coworkers at the picnic table outside, or be submerged in the buzzing energy of a young, fast-growing company? What did you enjoy about your previous jobs that you would love to recreate? As you talk about it, your friends and family will still know you're looking for work, so you can feel connected and emotionally supported without the conversation devolving into a brainstorming and advice-giving session.
2) Focus on the experience rather than your thoughts about the experience. My mom’s memory has become somewhat shaky lately, and I want to talk about it when I'm with close friends, but I really like to avoid “What can be done about it” or “We are all going to lose our minds” type of discussion. So, I talked about having tea with mom and how strange it felt that she couldn't remember a recipe she’d been making since I was a kid. Someone asked, what was the recipe? - and the conversation took on a sweetly nostalgic, soulful tone - we talked about our parents, family recipes, and meals we’ve eaten together. I felt connected, calm, and refreshed afterward and saved the discussion of mom’s options to our upcoming follow-up with her neurologist.
3) Be loving to yourself and others when you bring out a deep topic - consider having an intention of enjoyable, connected sharing, maybe even lightheartedness. Maybe you want to talk about a meditation retreat you’ve done - try to bypass the trap of telling everyone how to meditate while they feel guilty or defensive because, supposedly, they “should”. Instead, mention something relatable - perhaps how your mind kept being drawn to thoughts of food or to-do lists. Or ask your friends what they do that makes them feel calm - that way, everybody can feel included.
Deep relationships don't have to be primarily built around shared pain. Let yourself participate in each other’s lives in a way that feels substantial but not necessarily intense. There are times for intensity - if you've just received a difficult diagnosis or your partner has been offered a job in Japan - by all means, enlist supportive friends in helping you sort out your emotional responses. But to have a community that helps you flow with the deep ebbs and flows of life, you may want to use a lighter touch to get to know each other deeply.

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4/24/2023 1 Comment

How to Get Un-Lonely

The neurological basis for loneliness is the threat response system. Although we are not surrounded by as many physical threats as we were thousands of years ago (if you are reading this, chances are, you have food, shelter, and are not about to be eaten by a predator), social threats abound. Someone disliking you, even briefly, might mean losing your job, your status, or your good reputation (ask any writer, and they will tell you that a one-star review on Amazon makes you feel pretty darn lonely).
The bad news is that the threat response system is jumpy. It’s easily activated, and the neurochemicals of distress can stay in your system for a while. However, here is the good news: the brain also has an affiliative system, which acts in counterbalance to the social threat system.
The affiliative system is involved in social bonding and positive social interactions, such as feelings of warmth and connection towards others. The affiliative system is your neurological home for a sense of belonging. You can build it up by doing self-practices, such as gratitude and compassion - or interpersonally, like talking to a therapist. One of the fastest ways to build up your sense of belonging is to spend time with supportive communities. A group that encourages deep sharing, empathy, and mutual appreciation doesn’t just make you feel like you belong in the moment - it expands your CAPACITY for belonging, which means that the next time you are in a group of well-meaning people, your affiliative system is more likely to get and stay activated.
If you want to give your affiliative system a gentle workout, come join us for our Co-Creating Our Hearts' Desires group on the second Tuesday of each month. We use brain- and energy-based techniques to quiet our threat response systems and activate our affiliative systems. Best of all, we engage a practice to heal our collective body, tuning in to the deep sense of belonging that’s always present right under the surface of loneliness. Come and belong with us! I look forward to seeing you there!

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