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3/15/2023 7 Comments

Body Speaks Pleasure - Get Fluent!

Wisdom of the body expresses itself in two ways. Disagreeable sensation, such as lack of energy, numbness, or discomfort is a NO. Enjoyable sensation, such as aliveness, relaxation or pleasure is a YES. 
As a species, we are better at responding to NOs than YESs. Pain gets our attention much faster than pleasure - and most of us have more or less reliable ways of dealing with it. Pleasure, on the other hand, often remains an untended, under-nourished, under-appreciated stepchild, only paid attention to when she is dressed in a glittering ball gown in the middle of a dance floor. 
If we only pay attention to the extravagant experiences of pleasure (a gourmet meal, a tropical vacation, or a mind-blowing night with a new lover), the body can get discouraged. If it has no chance of attracting your attention with small-scale pleasures (little YESs), it has to say more NOs. If we consistently ignore the breadcrumbs of pleasurable sensation (running your hand through your child’s silky hair, friendly smile from a coworker, soft cradling of a comfortable shoe) and only follow the trail of discomfort, the body is likely to create more discomfort. Like most mammals, the body would rather have negative attention than none at all.
I am not suggesting that we ignore the signals of pain or danger. By all means, adjust the chair and take yourself to a chiropractor if you have a backache. Wouldn’t it make sense though to pay at least as much attention when your back is feeling better? Wouldn’t you want the brain to understand the signal of “I want more of this”, not just the signal of “less of this, please”?
How do we then condition the mind to be more pleasure-friendly? These are a few ideas informed by positive neuroplasticity, mindfulness and somatics. 
  1. Slow down your pleasures. It takes 12-20 seconds for the brain to absorb an enjoyable sensation and start assimilating it into the neural structure. If you are going to eat something delicious, mute the commercial, take a breath and let it linger on your tongue. Not only will you get more enjoyment out of the experience, it will sensitize the brain to pleasurable sensation. Which means, the next time you eat something good, you will enjoy it a little more. Sensitizing yourself to pleasure (or any kind of beneficial experience) is perhaps the most important step you can take to train your mindbody to feel better over time. Isn’t it worth 12 seconds of your time?
  2. Refine your pleasure palate. Your brain is a discernment machine. If left on autopilot, it will go: “I want this, but I am experiencing that” all day long. Give it something better to do. Walking outside? Notice three different shades of green. Which one is your favorite? Feel the emotional impact of the color, the way it settles into your body. Maybe the new-leaf green is energizing, the evergreen-green is refreshing, or the algae-on-the-surface-of-the-pond green is soothing to you. Become a connoisseur of bird song, sunset color, or the scent of freshly cut grass. Over time, the brain will start looking for the exquisitely detailed pleasurable sensation, instead of obsessing about your wrinkles or somebody’s mud-splattered license plate. 
  3. Share your pleasures. Enjoying something with somebody else engages your social brain and can create a nova-size neuroplastic burst. Amplify your pleasure from a meal, a walk, or a good book by talking about it with a receptive person. Engaging your sensory and social pleasure neural networks at the same time will give you many times the benefit; it is also a great way to enliven and deepen your relationships.
Supporting your body through paying attention to its YESs in small, consistent ways can nourish your health, harmonize your emotional states and enrich your relationships - while making your ordinary days feel more peaceful, enjoyable and vibrant.

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3/10/2023 5 Comments

Let Them Feed Your Hungry Heart

5 Micro Skills to Help You Find, Absorb and Enjoy Emotional Nourishment

Do you sometimes feel starved for connection and support? What is the most important area of life for you to nourish right now - work, health, creative or spiritual pursuits? What are some of your favorite ways to be supported - empathetic listening, practical help, creating a relaxing distraction? Our needs and preferences change, however, there’s a set of psychological micro-skills you can develop to help you seek out, internalize and enjoy support, regardless of your mood or the situation.
  1. Know when you are being supported. If you didn’t grow up in a deeply supportive environment, your nervous system may not know how to  recognize support, even if the other person has a supportive intention. Scan your current or past relationship, looking for supportive behaviors that you didn’t recognize as such. A common example is when a friend or partner is trying to brainstorm for solutions when all you want is to be listened to. Though they may not have been giving you what you wanted at the time, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge supportive intention. It will make the other person feel appreciated and more willing to modify their supportive style. Look not only for explicit, but for implicit ways that you might’ve been supported - the other person’s positive body language or tone of voice can do as much or more as “talking you through something”.​
  2. Take it in. It can be difficult to slow down enough to be able to receive emotional nourishment, especially when you are stressed. Imagine “breathing it in”, or “eating it”, to make it easier for your brain and nervous system. Watch for “yes, buts” - it is a sure way to exhaust your supporters. “Breathe in” sincere compliments.  As you develop your skill of receiving and internalizing, you will need less of it and it will be more satisfying for people to give it to you. 
  3. Diversify your sources and make supportive behaviors more “digestible”. Ask yourself: even if this person’s supportive style doesn’t fully match my current need or desire, is there something about it I can use? When somebody makes you a meal, you may not like every single item on your plate, but it doesn’t mean that you have to go hungry. Perhaps a friend doesn’t quite know exactly how to support you when you’ve just lost a job or are trying to publish an article - can you still be nourished by some of what they offer? Are you physically or metaphorically turning away from the person who is trying to be helpful? If you teach yourself to use and enjoy a “rainbow diet” of supportive behaviors, it will be easier for you to feel nourished and a lot more fun for your supporters.
  4. Show appreciation.  Even if you are in a committed relationship of some sort (partners, friends, business associates), receive their supportive behavior as a gift freely given (instead of something they owe you). Acknowledge and appreciate your supporter, even if their supportive style didn’t meet your needs a hundred percent. Tell them what they did right, it will make them want to do more of it. However, if you are the type of person who is better at giving than receiving, don’t rush to appreciation. Make sure that you give yourself time to “eat and digest” the emotional nourishment instead of shortcutting to “giving back”. If showing appreciation feels tiring or insincere, experiment and find what feels good - perhaps a nod, a smile, or a simple “thank you” is sufficient.
  5. Make gentle requests as needed. Instead of putting up a wall, criticizing or demanding that you be supported in the right way, try a clear, gentle request. “I would love it if you can listen for a few minutes before we brainstorm, it helps me to hear myself talk about it. Would it be OK with you to just listen?”. Ask for a behavior, not a personality change. For example, your friend may be fiery and gets angry on your behalf. If you find it more frustrating than helpful, perhaps there’s another “support specialty” they have - like sending you loving kindness, helping you research a solution, or going dancing with you. In the meantime, scan your “social landscape” to see if there’s another person who would find it easy to offer the exact kind of support you long for right now.
As you look through this set of micro skills, notice your responses - are there some that you are already good at? Some that you want to develop? Take one that you want to play with this week or this month. Don’t limit yourself to your intimate and family relationships - practice receiving from a coworker, a supermarket clerk, or any well-meaning person. As you expand your ability to seek out, digest and enjoy support, your emotional life will feel increasingly like a wholesome feast.
Want to practice your micro skills? Come to our Delight mE Creation Ecosystem,  where we train ourselves to co-create, play, connect and enjoy giving and receiving support.

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    Elena Khazanova is a holistic facilitator, a psychotherapist and a pleasure coach. She designs and runs trainings and groups where  the  powers of connection, pleasure and play are used to transform inner and outer worlds.

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