Talking Deeply Without the Weight: Tips for Lightening Up Heavy Conversations

Love, money, sex, rest, health - how do you create a satisfying conversation about deep subjects? When people seek closeness, they often find that “sharing” can quickly deteriorate into complaining or become too intellectual (“and this book I read about…). If you want to feel intimate with somebody without the conversation revolving around past disappointments and traumas (which can sometimes be emotionally depleting and carry a social cost), there are enjoyable, light-hearted, and non-threatening ways to engage in deeper subjects in a conversation.
1) Focus on what you’d like to have. Maybe you're between jobs right now - what do you imagine it would be like when you find a great job? Would you travel, work from home in your bunny slippers, enjoy an unhurried lunch with your coworkers at the picnic table outside, or be submerged in the buzzing energy of a young, fast-growing company? What did you enjoy about your previous jobs that you would love to recreate? As you talk about it, your friends and family will still know you're looking for work, so you can feel connected and emotionally supported without the conversation devolving into a brainstorming and advice-giving session.
2) Focus on the experience rather than your thoughts about the experience. My mom’s memory has become somewhat shaky lately, and I want to talk about it when I'm with close friends, but I really like to avoid “What can be done about it” or “We are all going to lose our minds” type of discussion. So, I talked about having tea with mom and how strange it felt that she couldn't remember a recipe she’d been making since I was a kid. Someone asked, what was the recipe? - and the conversation took on a sweetly nostalgic, soulful tone - we talked about our parents, family recipes, and meals we’ve eaten together. I felt connected, calm, and refreshed afterward and saved the discussion of mom’s options to our upcoming follow-up with her neurologist.
3) Be loving to yourself and others when you bring out a deep topic - consider having an intention of enjoyable, connected sharing, maybe even lightheartedness. Maybe you want to talk about a meditation retreat you’ve done - try to bypass the trap of telling everyone how to meditate while they feel guilty or defensive because, supposedly, they “should”. Instead, mention something relatable - perhaps how your mind kept being drawn to thoughts of food or to-do lists. Or ask your friends what they do that makes them feel calm - that way, everybody can feel included.
​Deep relationships don't have to be primarily built around shared pain. Let yourself participate in each other’s lives in a way that feels substantial but not necessarily intense. There are times for intensity - if you've just received a difficult diagnosis or your partner has been offered a job in Japan - by all means, enlist supportive friends in helping you sort out your emotional responses. But to have a community that helps you flow with the deep ebbs and flows of life, you may want to use a lighter touch to get to know each other deeply.
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